Ah man, history is repeating itself. She shows interest, I misinterpret, I make a move, she rejects it. Messaged her re a meet up 2.5 hrs ago; no reply, and when it comes, I doubt it'll be positive. But why does she so overtly seem to flirt with me, only to be cool the next day? I guess I really just need to say no, no longer, I don't want to be caught in the anguish causing games of the end of last year. To give her up. And indeed, logic suggests that if the heart doesn't. But I just like her presence so much. And, well, horrendum dictu, I've taken to drinking alcohol again. May this cup, quite literally, pass from me. I feel incredibly far from God, marred in vice, and a God in whom I barely believe to boot. What is the substance of this 10.30 friday, alone, when messages sent to 2 girls remain unreplied? It occurs that it's halloween, that everyone's everywhere, that I am nowhere. They - MC and PH - may be somewhere. I play scrabble online, mulling, kicking and snorting like a disgruntled mule, heavy with the sound of laughter without.And another can goes down, and it's just so _easy_ to do; it is literally, knocked back, 30 seconds. 3 x 30 seconds and you've got a drunk on, if you're me, and a bad tomorrow on, also. And there's no - well, the first time there were scruples, there was going in and out of the kitchen, picking up and putting down the can. But this - the third time - there is nothing. It is automatic. I stand in the dark kitchen - below my window there seems to be a couple embracing under lights, so I don't turn on my light, lest they look in - fizz the can open and drink deep, as twere my life depended thereon.(And still no message). Then tomorrow'll bring, like today did, the utter shock of the hangover, the sick tired empty anxious low feeling, with which I lived literally eveyday for years. Imagine, dear reader, a good night's sleep. Now imagine not having one for literally years. Imagine that for a life. And yet I return. And so groundless, just, like everest, because it's there. Because I can, and can get away with it. Imagine 6 years of lucidity, for a person hating lucidity. Does it feel like I'm home? This is truly the Hauptfrage.(And still no message). No, I just feel a bit bleary and irritated. I mean, why not just simply reply? An excuse is all that's needed. Fuck it, I need to ask her, just like, wtf? Why be all nice and then not? Surely she realizes that I'm someone who can't take rejection? And yet she rejects, then unrejects.
This blog post has taught us two things: that I shouldn't blog when ineb'd, since I seem to channel a 15 year old twat, and that life is a fearful misery.