My heart is pounding. For I have decided that tomorrow I am going to tell MC how I feel. My hands are shaking...Well, having known that she was going to be in the library this evening, I just went to return a book, hoping to find her and unburden myself. I didn't find her, but my heart is beating less frantically now. Please, please, let me have the opportunity to say my piece tomorrow. I am of course confident that things will turn out for the worst; she will have a boyfriend, or not see me that way or..., tho I do think it's possible that she certainly did see me that way, in the past. And then I'm going home thurs, so I can dust myself off and return, and return to PH, or perhaps this internet girl, and I can finally, finally be over her. Tho on the negative side, I will finally be over her. It's just like going to the dentist, really, or at least making the appointment. I didn't know what the outcome would be, but I had to do it. It's just with my track record, of not being liked, never no-one in perpetuum. And things'll be soured with someone whom I do really like being around.

But come on, there's evidence. But I fear it could ALL be interpreted as just friendliness; but surely in the past it was something more. So then something would have changed. But it seems that nothing has, in fact, changed. There's touchyfeeliness aplenty. Today I told her my dream, that I dreamt last night, that we were a couple. And she didn't react negatively.

But this is certainly, certainly the rational thing to do. I just have to man up, and, like the dentist, take the pain, in order to be free for the future.

The more I think on it, the more I am certain that it is just friendliness. Her pupils do look pretty big in my company tho. Fuck it, all these thoughts are to no end whatsoever. It's to be done. God, help me to do it.