Ah man, history is repeating itself. She shows interest, I misinterpret, I make a move, she rejects it. Messaged her re a meet up 2.5 hrs ago; no reply, and when it comes, I doubt it'll be positive. But why does she so overtly seem to flirt with me, only to be cool the next day? I guess I really just need to say no, no longer, I don't want to be caught in the anguish causing games of the end of last year. To give her up. And indeed, logic suggests that if the heart doesn't. But I just like her presence so much. And, well, horrendum dictu, I've taken to drinking alcohol again. May this cup, quite literally, pass from me. I feel incredibly far from God, marred in vice, and a God in whom I barely believe to boot. What is the substance of this 10.30 friday, alone, when messages sent to 2 girls remain unreplied? It occurs that it's halloween, that everyone's everywhere, that I am nowhere. They - MC and PH - may be somewhere. I play scrabble online, mulling, kicking and snorting like a disgruntled mule, heavy with the sound of laughter without.And another can goes down, and it's just so _easy_ to do; it is literally, knocked back, 30 seconds. 3 x 30 seconds and you've got a drunk on, if you're me, and a bad tomorrow on, also. And there's no - well, the first time there were scruples, there was going in and out of the kitchen, picking up and putting down the can. But this - the third time - there is nothing. It is automatic. I stand in the dark kitchen - below my window there seems to be a couple embracing under lights, so I don't turn on my light, lest they look in - fizz the can open and drink deep, as twere my life depended thereon.(And still no message). Then tomorrow'll bring, like today did, the utter shock of the hangover, the sick tired empty anxious low feeling, with which I lived literally eveyday for years. Imagine, dear reader, a good night's sleep. Now imagine not having one for literally years. Imagine that for a life. And yet I return. And so groundless, just, like everest, because it's there. Because I can, and can get away with it. Imagine 6 years of lucidity, for a person hating lucidity. Does it feel like I'm home? This is truly the Hauptfrage.(And still no message). No, I just feel a bit bleary and irritated. I mean, why not just simply reply? An excuse is all that's needed. Fuck it, I need to ask her, just like, wtf? Why be all nice and then not? Surely she realizes that I'm someone who can't take rejection? And yet she rejects, then unrejects.
This blog post has taught us two things: that I shouldn't blog when ineb'd, since I seem to channel a 15 year old twat, and that life is a fearful misery.

Oh life, oh life. Well, it appears that MC and me are back. I don't know what the hell the story is with her guy, but it seems that we are back. She's back to her flirtatious self; I took a look at her pupils, and them suckas were dilated to buggery looking at me, tho the room was dark. And there is another variable, which perhaps needs revealed, but, paranoid that I am that anyone, tho it is impossible, given the info i've revealed, unless you already knew me very well indeed, should recognise from these unread writing who I am; this variable could be altering things. But I don't think it is. Moreover, at present I am somewhat impaired. I know what this means, but again I'm scared to reveal it in foro externo lest whatever. I need to think of something to do re MC; it is now perhaps fitting for me truly and earnestly to make a move. Could this year sneak up and become mine? Ascertain whether there's a bloke, tho the question pains, and move from there.

Well, I need to cease being such a neurotic. I think I'm getting towards letting go of MC and holding on to PH. I am coming to like her more; the weekend we had lunch together and watched a movie, a shit movie. The problem is my deep lack of self-confidence, so that if I don't receive a token of esteem each day I feel as if she is slipping from me. I am very insecure, unfortunately. And so, tonight, I feel the wings of mild despair pass over me, and for no good reason. To an extent it's I who does all the pursuing, which irritates. Moreover, I guess I should have made a move, but how does one do such things? No fucking clue. Also, I haven't revealed any of my dark secrets to her. Which I will need to. But at least I seem to be moving on from MC. Should I perhaps reveal myself to her? I.e. Polyhymnia. I think we're somewhat in an awkward stage. One issue is that I like to text, to be in contact often, and I think she doesn't. I initiate all textual exchanges. Anyway: there is NO reason to feel bad, on my part, this monday evening, all things considered. It is, I guess, tho it still paineth to say, for the best that MC and I muss ( subject here, the relationship) nicht sein. Thank you, Lord God; although whether this isn't the 'thank you' of the professional athlete, I don't know.

Ah life, thou piece of shit. Or rather, Ah me, thou piece of shit. Just unhappy, again. Nothing will happen with MC; let's just face it, she is with another. My other girl is ok, but nothing more. I am just shit at living, and would gladly not do so. But will continue, just mediocre, mediocre, mediocre. Can't wait for this year to be over, then hopefully I can fuck off elsewhere, have a new start, at which point i'll actually be able to make friends. A whole year spent unhappy pursuing mc, whom i like so much. And then nothing, there be's someone else. I get rejected again. atopos ge esti. I am super smart, super good looking, and nothing. No confidence. Oh to be dead! Obviously this is silly. Jesu soll meine Freude bleiben. Hat er aber immer ( ever?) meine Freude gewesen? Lebt er? Should he do, then all is fine, all is dandy. But should he don't, then what? Live miserable for ever? My fond hopes that this had been my year depart. Nothing, no hope, no place nowhere, never into eternity. PCDN. Only the fond fantasies; the defenestration thoughts in the dark scurl of my ever empty bed. The walking alone, the re-ly taken up smoking and fantasising habits, in the dark of a peopled city, with the sussurous 'fuck you' of the anxious belly. The desperate empty hours.
Fuck it; was ist zu getan werden? One must look onwards and upwards.

Oh me, oh my. You answered that one quickly God! MC, it pains, partially, to relate, is seeing someone. If it weren't for - let's quickly give her a name - Polyhymnia - it would be dead. But she is. Oh life! But it hurts! Do I even love MC? But this is all for the best, surely. We can both remain happy. Seriously, this is for the best. I can only thank the Weltgeist. But to have been unchosen, to have been, albeit incredibly obliquely, and probably more for circumstantial than for other reasons rejected! Sois sage, o ma douleur, et tiens toi plus tranquille. But not my will, but yours. But skotodeino! I spiral into darkness. It's funny how the pain of hurting MC is considerably less than my pain now. Humankind, tho woeful vessel! And how life, at all moments, surprises you. I never saw that coming! Recorditi di mi, che son la tua vita, this instant. No. Really, this is the best possible outcome! I am literally not exaggerating with all these exclamation points, this is how I feel at present. This is life: as the skurl without of excited students, the banter within, the knocking of heart on skin ( inskin, i mean). The slight wet of my hair; the waiting for a message from PH. The stomachwanking agony of emotion. The desire just not to be, to be away from these feelings. But these feelings are life, and it is not to be avoided.

Be positive! I need to turn this around, to get my mind off the events that transpired: as she said 'I've kind of...', and I knew the ending of the sentence. And a year of my life... but think back even to yesterday. This is a good result. But it hurts! The future however is mine and PH. I can and will have a girlfriend this year, hopefully. That was my goal. And a nice girl, and a non-complicated one.

God be thanked.

oh life, you dolorous thing. instead of a gap, now, it seems i have a glut of frauen, tho she yclept mc remains, as is her wont, on the fence. However, things are such that I fear she may think that the pretender to the wattthrone, is in fact already enthroned, on account of her having seen us together. And this, if I were her, would pain, and so i feel. I could be wrong: she could - mirabile, at least sort of, dictu - not like me, and I'm unfettered. She could - h.d. - like me still. In which case not only am I fettered, but, should anything ever happen, the other would get hurt. But the thing is, the mc like is of much antiquer vintage, and preferencewise, it has to go with her. This despite the fact that she can be rude and incommunicative, which the other isn't. So my provisional plan, life, is just to bite the fucking bullet, and ask, if an opportunity arises, mc out. If she says no, then fuck it - excuse me, readers, for what i am about to say is harsh, horrid humanly speaking - i have the other to fall back on. This is not how one treats people. But... I'm going to do my darnest not to hurt anyone, including myself. Indeed, I, hereby, in front of God and the interwebz, do solemnly swear to do anything within my power to, if someone is to be hurt, make that person be me. So yes, am I to be on the look out to ask mc out.