Wo sie nicht ist\kann ich nicht sein

Small prebed blog, on account of the worm in my heart caused by my separation from my beliked. what to do? take matters into own hand? that were very risky indeed, given i don't fb, she does (probably), etc. on the other hand, i don't think it would be unwelcome. I got to bed sorehearted, woulding that I were a beckett hero, with a heart as dessicated as mr burns, so speech, no words, and a body already dead.

J'ai lu tous les livres - that is, all my work is done - mais la chair est triste - that is no mc action last two days and thus none for a month. However, it isn't fit to groan or grumble. I have made progress this year, what with the internet broad whom I met three times, and mc with whom there is a very good chance that there is something, tho the fear is that this will dissipate in the break of the holidays. Moreover, i've gotten into a fuck of a lot more conversations with people. I feel that there is a chance that this year could be my year; it took me a long time to settle in primary and secondary school. I just wish that there were a way that we could keep in contact over the holidays. She is indeed on facebook, but i fear that it would be too forward to add her, given that it would be evident that i don't use it. Ah, the human heart. Looking back at the start of this blog I am made aware that life is indeed possible for me; that I can attract people, can get on like a normal one. In a certain sense my human heart is agrieved at the timing of this holiday, tho I am mentally and physically tired. But anyway. I give thanks to the Weltgeist.

Nur ein blogchen. Yet more antics today with mc. It is looking, in fact, increasingly likely that she does in fact like me. Certainly more so than say a month ago. Again we had dinner together. And you know, we do real get to know you stuff, like what I would imagine normal people would say on dates. There are moreover several little signs: had I walked home earlier, she had done the same, she followed me. Cept as I needed a pish likes. Ich weiss aber nicht genau. Was ist zu tun?

Kallifragilistic day. At teatime mc came and sat by me, the second time she has done so in as many days. This time however we conversed the whole time, then walked home together. So i'm happy this evening therebecause. I fear that'll probably be my week's supply of her exhausted, although she may be around tomorrow. Is there any concievable way I could keep in contact with her over the holidays? That were fine.

Wellity wellity wellity. Today was spent frustrate wittgensteining. I just can't get the picture theory. In many ways its so obvious, but I just have a mental block. Problems moreover with wisdom tooth, think it broke, but no pain. Scared as always thereby, need go dentist. Give me, o someone, the strength to change my ways. Apart from that not much to report. I am mainly writing in an attempt to stop the fond fantasies which i've talked much about re mc. i go into the last week of term more or less despondent; really, what can happen? I play scenarios thru the night; that we walk somewhere and that she professes her love etc. It's beguiling, being human, that we can be charmed by what isn't. No I must laschiare ogne speranza; really, its ridiculous the extent to which things happen when you don't expect them, and don't when you do. I need to empty my head really.

wellity wellity wellity. When I said above that making a move was a nice problem i was wrong. just spend an evening with b, which was fine but i don't know how to further things, and after a point it'll get ridiculous if nothing continues to happen. For it will behove me, but i don't want to be so behoven. If only it were the done thing to talk about what one thinks. but no.

Days, days. Today featured: a lovely rhubarb crumble. And with MC? Vague awkwardness. Only in the context of a social occasion does a gesture have meaning, and the context of dindins and my having nothing to say were. Well, perhaps the context principle doesn't have that wide an application. Bleh. It occurred to me that I ironed out a kink in my thinking: to the extent that it's very unlikely anything'll happen immediately or ever w/ MC, it is pragmatic not to eggbasketify her. But then does love, unlike truth, admit of pragmatics? Is the heart but a calculating machine? Why am I so sonorous these days? Was sind und was sollen die Moeglichkeiten? Ah, for a nooscope. Nevertheless, my intention in blogging is to hoard my treasures, and analyse this hoarding. For my treasure today was slight, so slight. On entering dining hall she seemed to pace across the room to enter simultaneous with me. Yesterday, she sat near me, a slight breach of etiquette I think. Now to the analysis: such things, on which I set such stock, are really piddling merdated nothings.
What's so shitting annoying but is that my ineptness can be taken for rudeness.

OK, i'm fucking royally with the time sequence, and posting twice in succession which you, curious reader, will no doubt ponder over. However, beblogged it must be, what happened last thurs. There was a book sale on. MC (oh, it reappears!) and I went. I guess one could almost call it a date, to the extent that it was outside of an immediate classroom situation. And oh, was it pleasant. Again, the sense of having made a connection sparkled in my brain, with the result that I veritably twilighted.
Moreover, i was exasperated from the previous evening's now realized as misinterpreted activities, and it buoyed me to the extent that its happening seemed providential, and i mean that grave term gravely.
Anyhoo, its a curious feature of the human animal, that it can, lying in a darkened room with the scurl of traffic without, be transported in transports, in mental imagery of other human animals, setting the heart aflutter while refraining from over-using the refrain O Leben, O Moeglichkeiten!, and to the martian, or indeed the mere moon person, there is nothing doing. But could i martial all my forces, and engage in the war of love, and win a prelude to a marital exuberance? And indeed, what does Wittgenstein impress upon us if not that we can represent what is not along with what is not, that is, possibilities. Wir machen uns bilder der tatsachen. But is it a tatsache, for its certainly not a sachverhalte, complex being the potential love, and if it be, will it ever be revealed in an adeaquatio, in a glorious correspondance between the two barely aforementioned animals?, between hoped for thought and conglomeration of brain chemistries?

Ah, life. Bad? day. MC, to use an abbreviation i probably won't again was not there. She was there tho later in evening, in a quadrangular social situation, sitting opposite me, which i hate. And thus, I was unable to lavish the appropriate attentions on her. There was a little play, but it wasn't sufficient. And it dawned upon me that there will prolly never be an appropriate situation in which to make the transition from friend to more. Life. Also, got my worst mark ever in an essay. This i'm not too woebegirt about on account of the fact that the teacher is evidently a shit hard marker. Finally, another internet chick my senior who it would appear lives in the past after two messages suggest we meet up, which was weird. Don't know what to do thereover. Then of course there's net's chick a), hereafter and for one time only B on account of her broadality, who is quiet and whom i lack things to talk to in meatspace. Perhaps perhaps go to cinema with her again soon, tho i am kind of broke. And maybe make the appropriate move. Ah, tho, fate (allusion)

One of the problems of having been an alcoholic is that it isn't great for one's health. Specifically, my teeth are pretty bad, full of holes and i'm scared of the dentist. This is something i need to work on for despite my fairly rigorous current oral hygiene regime one pays for the actions of one's former self, and back in the day i wouldn't brush my teeth before going to bed because i would drink more in bed and didn't want the lovely boozy taste to be marred by toothpaste. Moreover, one of the last if not the last time that I went to the dentist I had like a panic attack, so that has prevented me from going back. Perhaps the very fact of talking about this and objectifying it will make me take a course of action. But it will cost, and moreover i'm very embarassed, and the low cost solution would require me to perhaps be treated by people whom i know. I simply couldn't afford normal price dentistry. Perhaps if I come into money. But it causes me daily anxiety and fear for the future. Thankfully at present my grill isn't too bad but this will only get worse, despite the best laid plans. Really it's a question of when not if, and i should make that when as soon as possible. One of the important things to realize is that the situation is mine. It's not good saying oh that's nothing to worry about; also to chastise myself. It's a fact that I am what I am, and was what I was, and that I can't just run away from it. Yes.
In other news, my plans for socializing are going well. The possibility is open for me to see the internet girl again, and tho indeed i will need to make a move sometime, well, that's one of those nice problems. There's also fate (see below for the illusory allusion). And thereover I think often smilingly, but if there is indeed something, which is not definite, how to do something about it is another question. Tomorrow may or may not see something happen. Would I be ready, willing or able to ask her out in some sort of scenario? Well, yes, those words could certainly apply. aHmmm.

Ah, misinterpretation. Having just spent a lovely evening with the chick maligned below i realize that any faults in the date, if date it was, were probably owing to me, nervous and talking my arse off, as opposed to her. I am bathed in the glow of successful socialization and happy with life. Ish. For - unless i'm misinterpreting again - there are Zeichen that it (subject: das maedchen, tho not das maedchen mentioned several posts back, whose my thought occupation warrants a separate blog of its own) is indeed, as the kids say, "Into me", and that the task of "making the first move" will be "derogated" onto me. And this is something i've never done, the fear of exposing self. But am remarkably fearless at the moment. Is Rhodiola a wonder drug? E.g. of fearlessness: prior to meeting her there was not the faintest trace of nerves.

Well, it was. It was indeed a shy-ster. My performance was ok, tho not great, tho I think it could have been good had I something to work with. I'm remarkably unperturbed about it, tho I just wolfed half a big pizza and chased it with a bowl of cereal. But too excited to sleep, even when it's a negative excitement. I imagine nothing further will come of it: the hope that's kept me afloat the last couple of weeks has run aground. Einsamkeit bleibet meine Freude. I'm not quite feeling this acerbic disappointment yet tho. Sie hat aber fast nichts gesagt, elle n'a dit presque rien. There are lessons: the possibility of a lived life remains, this has perhaps shown me this. But i rerecall my dinner time inadequacies, which pain I had ignored buoyed by the aforementioned hope. To have never connected, with anyone, ever, since time immemorial. Einsamkeit bleibet meine Freude. I don't imagine she'll want to see me again; if I were her, i'd be feeling bad, embarassed. In most ways she's like me, except I did some pregame prep, I psyched myself up etc. Indeed, I know, well kind of, that the way I percieved her is exactly the way others perceive me.

Well, guess who's got what may indeed be a date tomorrow: This lesbian ( I'm not appropriately sexed to be a lesbian, it's a sarah silverman quote). Needless to say there is not a little angst thereabouts. I need to think of things to say, although luckily it's in the context of a cinema, so there won't be that much talking involved. It's sort of a softlanding. That relaxes. But bloody hell, progress has indeed been made and lamentably not blogged. One's blogging activities it would seem is inversely proportional to one's happiness, but then that was known. I've been emailing this girl for a few weeks now, fairly intensely. She is funny, bright, attractive. I need to drill into myself, the truth, if it be true, or at least the pragmatic truth, which it procul dubio be, that one is what one makes oneself. Specifically, I need to remember the importance of a good, banterful first meeting. If I can concentrate on being personable and specificially funny, the rest may write itself. But tomorrow should be fairly vile. NO. Tomorrow will be fine. There will be a few nerves, as is inevitable, but i'll study, wash me clothes etc. etc. It will become 8, I will turn outwards, and all will be glorious. Anyway, join me tomorrow for the inevitable postmortum and hopefully some reflections on the nature of life and possibility, which latter the world is showing me, as I asked her to.