What I learnt today

So, I went shopping, and one thing that I learnt that I do is that I always try to give the money as quickly as possible, too early in fact for them to receive it, so I then have to retract it, leading to a mild flustering. And what does this betokeneth? Well, obviously that I want to get the fuck out of dodge quickstyle. Allora, tomorrow, or the next day that I need to purchase something, sois brave, o mon couer, et tiens-toi plus tranquille, be the confident, and moreover importantly, remember about this, and so work to change it. I hope that each day I'll be able to make a slight improvement in my social interacting, and perhaps record it herein, which is not any longer to be a tale of love, but of just developing the basic skills required to live. A new project, projecting ahead. Good.

I've really fallen out of blogging mode of late. Suffice it to say a pleasant but nonfurtheringmyplanforlove christmas occurred and i'm now back at college, at present buddhistly minded, aiming to not care about the social opportunities, or lack thereof, keep addictions - most especially the one to fond fantasizing - far hence, and just try to live, to play what i'm dealt, so to speak. If pain and loneliness should come, then they will come.Remember this moment now, when you feel relaxed, this mild pinch in the belly from hunger, but analgesic, in times of strife to come. There is no cosmos out to get you or not, just abide and endure en hypomene, tho not, let's get this clear, of heaven, but be patient wrt to, quite literally, nothing. There's no guarantee that things'll ameloriate, but you can try. Most importantly, try to be different. Realize that the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person ever is not for another person to think their weird, or gauche, or awkward, and that this non-fact certainly shouldn't make a person, as it has done now, for at the very least 14 years, make like an oscar wilde aphorism and closemouthappear openmouthremovedoubts likes innit. Try to say things, try to bear the eyes on you; engage in conversations which interest you, which is to say conversations about nothing, seinfeldstyle. BE HONEST. I seem to have a sensation that I hide, that I'm desperately concerned about what people - often, by the nature of the thing, complete or relative stranger - think about me. And this is a truly absurd way to be, when you really think about it. So, as it were, court embarassment. Try even getting into random conversations. Smile at girls. Because change is possible, remember that, and keep trying, and you never know, after three months here of decent enough effort, come next year I'll be something akin to a normal person.