I think we are at the stage when finally all hope is extinguished for this year; and I feel fine. It is sad, that it is very conceivable, if not certain, that we mutually like one another, and that I could, at close of play, have been pulled out of the circle of the self. But one must attempt to distance oneself from one's pathemata, and concentrate specifically at this time on one's mathemata, or whatever the greek for things-to-be-learnt would be, and more generally on to kalon in one's life. Indeed, I think it's almost without self-deception that I now accept my fate, and that i'm not perpretrating that old fallacious trick of willing myself not to will because the non-willed happens. It's been, tho painful, often a more pleasant year than before. I have tried, and tho materially failed, I came, I think, pretty close. I've learnt things - unfortunately not how to interact with strangers, which is after all important. But I have made at least a good friend in her. The plan for the summer is to sort things out and continue to read ta biblia. But it's confusing. There are many things in there that just seem unpleasant. The idea of the etymological paraclete well comforts, but all the klauthmos kai brugmos ton odonton doesn't sit well. Also, the fact that I seem to be practicing, if that is not too strong a word for what I am doing, a very recreational christianity doesn't seem quite right. Of course, many people do, but many people are idiots. It seems to do it, it is something one must do entirely w heart + mouth + deed + life: it is not just some analgesic, or shouldn't be. But then: it is not for all to go nuts, really, is it, for in that case priests et al. would be the only religious people. And indeed, it seems some people would trim down the message to two words: Have faith, and that this is sufficient and necessary to be a christian. The problem is one just doesn't know: things conflict. What if having faith were only necessary: i assume no-one will deny this. Ultimately perhaps we need help from experience. To the extent that faith is necessary, abide in faith for a bit and see if one is enlightened. Say one's prayers; act decent towards others; be thankful in good and comforted in bad times. See where it heads. Yes. Allora, I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank God for my present peace and situation.

Ah life, the pain it holds itself quieter again. I just don't know! Whether the frau likes me or not. I just don't know. I think it is very plausible: should I make yet another push for it? No: the stress it caused me last time was very nearly seriously ruinous to my health. I do, however, I think, really like her; it's not just that she's a her. But time is so short; there isn't any. I guess the thing is just to continue, vaguely hope, and just spend time with her when I can. Just hope. With regards to my religiosity, its presence in my head seems to be a function of my misery; or my happiness. I give thanks, and seek consolation. I don't constantly think on it; I really don't know if one is supposed to. Do I believe? Is - to ponderously go over what has already been ponderously pondered - it just out of desperation that I turn there? No, maybe not. In fact, even if today - and thanks, one really must say thanks and why not to God, for for so many people every day is misery, and one day is not a negligible portion of life - I am at an even level, moodwise, there will come time when I won't be. But,,, what is the meaning of religion? A comforter? What does one, qua religious person, do? I don't know; I guess I can do what I can do, give thanks and seek comfort, comfort and thanks, thanks and comfort.
I guess, if I wanted to, an awkward question I could ask myself would be her or God. And I guess if I were truly serious, the answer would be God, but I guess it isn't. But this isn't my fault.
You know, I believed that prayer was unnecessary, because God can discern the raw thinks even if not conceptualized in words: but for us, for whom expression in words often leads to new revelations about what we think, this is not the case. Oculi omnium in te sperant, domine.

Well, it's silly to hide out of shame the train of thoughts that have been occurring to me. They are of a religious bent. No I know the first argument that will be put forward is that i'm simply attempting to alleviate my misery by positing an invisible friend in the sky, and that I am thus weak. If not formally this seems to beg the question. For of course if I weren't miserable - which, parenthetically speaking, I am not, at present - I probably wouldn't be moving in that direction. But that doesn't prove anything. Perhaps one needs to suffer in order to come into a relationship with God. The sense of embarrassment I feel writing these words is interesting: it is an attack on who I am, the utterly wattian rationalist. Yes, it is. But again this isn't an argument against the existence of God.
However, it will be noted that the argumentation above is extremely weak and full of lacunae. Is this not an indication that I am already sacrificing reason to palliate my woes? Hmmm. Hauptpremise: One turns to God because one is weak ( n.b. this isn't a new train of thought - this will be a stream of consciousness blog). Because one can't deal with the world as it is. Yes! Of course, human weakness doesn't prove the existence of God, but nor does the fact that people who are weak turn to God disprove it.
Bleh. This isn't clear at all. God doesn't exist: people invent him because they are weak. God may exist: people turn to him because they are weak. If their weakness is alleviated - as mine seems to be being alleviated, or at least my misery - after this turn, does it not become more plausible that God exists? No; it's just the power of positive thought. The power of positive thought is the only explanation, because God doesn't exist, or, the power of positive thought is an explanation, and i'll admit a good one.
But anyway: my main point was to say that I have abandoned all hope of MCness, at least this term. This sentence no longer has power to rent me in twain. If God exists, then he cares for me. My misery is shared; I gain perspective. A simple happy day of reading; a happy family. Friends, of a sort, or at least one. I needn't look at people with envy because of what they have that I lack; there is something else. A lack is filled. A simple happy enough day after days of unslept misery: by surrendering. There is something above me, a meaning. Something to make me realize that for which I have to be thankful, and to console me in misery. To take a step back. None of this is an argument for the existence of God.

Miserable, utterly, utterly miserable. I really feel as if I am losing it. Sleeping little, constant bug of anxiety in stomach over her. Literally almost shaking at the moment from physical and mental weakness. I have fucking _tried_, but it just doesn't work. I seriously feel like i am predestined never to exit the circle of the self. The fact is that i've gone from thinking that she liked me to now thinking that she didn't. The time i've spend, as I feared I would, chasing a shadow. It was perhaps just the misinterpreted friendliness of a friendly girl. And through my so weak body I am contemplating one final push, a final facebook message tonight. But that means, probably, another sleepless night. And my cards, which are already more or less out, being further out. You see I think i opened myself towards her, and she rejected me, subtillisima. It is very conceivable that i'm overimagining. What should I do? One final push? I need to abandon all hope, to make the moves, like a sceptic, while having no motivating interest. Help me.
You see, all this could be my imagination. She could like me and something could happen. But my thoughts are now that her thoughts envers moi aren't positive. My fear of rejection, I think, is pushing me away. But there have been negative tokenlets: an unwillingness to keep in a dialogue, a reticence boardering on avoidance yesterday at dinner. Fuck it, I think the evidence is still in my favour, and tho it could fuck me up, I think i'm going to make that last push. It's the braver thing to do. Sei brav, armes Ding.