Ah life, the pain it holds itself quieter again. I just don't know! Whether the frau likes me or not. I just don't know. I think it is very plausible: should I make yet another push for it? No: the stress it caused me last time was very nearly seriously ruinous to my health. I do, however, I think, really like her; it's not just that she's a her. But time is so short; there isn't any. I guess the thing is just to continue, vaguely hope, and just spend time with her when I can. Just hope. With regards to my religiosity, its presence in my head seems to be a function of my misery; or my happiness. I give thanks, and seek consolation. I don't constantly think on it; I really don't know if one is supposed to. Do I believe? Is - to ponderously go over what has already been ponderously pondered - it just out of desperation that I turn there? No, maybe not. In fact, even if today - and thanks, one really must say thanks and why not to God, for for so many people every day is misery, and one day is not a negligible portion of life - I am at an even level, moodwise, there will come time when I won't be. But,,, what is the meaning of religion? A comforter? What does one, qua religious person, do? I don't know; I guess I can do what I can do, give thanks and seek comfort, comfort and thanks, thanks and comfort.
I guess, if I wanted to, an awkward question I could ask myself would be her or God. And I guess if I were truly serious, the answer would be God, but I guess it isn't. But this isn't my fault.
You know, I believed that prayer was unnecessary, because God can discern the raw thinks even if not conceptualized in words: but for us, for whom expression in words often leads to new revelations about what we think, this is not the case. Oculi omnium in te sperant, domine.