Well, it's silly to hide out of shame the train of thoughts that have been occurring to me. They are of a religious bent. No I know the first argument that will be put forward is that i'm simply attempting to alleviate my misery by positing an invisible friend in the sky, and that I am thus weak. If not formally this seems to beg the question. For of course if I weren't miserable - which, parenthetically speaking, I am not, at present - I probably wouldn't be moving in that direction. But that doesn't prove anything. Perhaps one needs to suffer in order to come into a relationship with God. The sense of embarrassment I feel writing these words is interesting: it is an attack on who I am, the utterly wattian rationalist. Yes, it is. But again this isn't an argument against the existence of God.
However, it will be noted that the argumentation above is extremely weak and full of lacunae. Is this not an indication that I am already sacrificing reason to palliate my woes? Hmmm. Hauptpremise: One turns to God because one is weak ( n.b. this isn't a new train of thought - this will be a stream of consciousness blog). Because one can't deal with the world as it is. Yes! Of course, human weakness doesn't prove the existence of God, but nor does the fact that people who are weak turn to God disprove it.
Bleh. This isn't clear at all. God doesn't exist: people invent him because they are weak. God may exist: people turn to him because they are weak. If their weakness is alleviated - as mine seems to be being alleviated, or at least my misery - after this turn, does it not become more plausible that God exists? No; it's just the power of positive thought. The power of positive thought is the only explanation, because God doesn't exist, or, the power of positive thought is an explanation, and i'll admit a good one.
But anyway: my main point was to say that I have abandoned all hope of MCness, at least this term. This sentence no longer has power to rent me in twain. If God exists, then he cares for me. My misery is shared; I gain perspective. A simple happy day of reading; a happy family. Friends, of a sort, or at least one. I needn't look at people with envy because of what they have that I lack; there is something else. A lack is filled. A simple happy enough day after days of unslept misery: by surrendering. There is something above me, a meaning. Something to make me realize that for which I have to be thankful, and to console me in misery. To take a step back. None of this is an argument for the existence of God.