O Schmerz hier zittert das gequälte Herz

Was, you ask, ist die Ursach aller solcher Klagen? See below. Tourettishly watt dwells, this pained evening, calling his poor, suffering self a stupid **c**** ***t, repeatedly and vehemently. Dreading bed, attempting to forestall the darkling complaints, listening to SMP. No; it calls for analysis, tho i would bei meinem jesum wachen, that is, im himmel. The platitude has before been here offered that one must make peace first with one's self before one other can adulcify one's asperities. And it's true; one must leeren the kelch, drink the bitterheit. In english: what torments me at present is that yesterday as documented i made a move, and hoped for brilliantness, but received none. And today was indeed passable, or rather passible. But still, I feel like a stupid **c**** ***t; what am i, at 25, 17ish? Where to go? The enthymeme: If I don't achieve something soon, it will be too late; the term is within completion. Writing this shakes me, almost drawing tears. To go back home, still alone? Another ungrown, empty summer? Motherfucker. de profundis clamavi. well, that's certainly an exaggeration. One must let go; and let G-d? Really, it were foolish to let the profound woe be extinguished with,,,; what to do? Ultimately what can one? Sleep and hope, hope and sleep and try to be at peace with self. There are worse things than being alone.
BUUUUUUUUUT. To complain was not the aim of this evening writing; it was analysis. But it perhapses that one must klagen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qJJvU0YASA.
deeggbasketing. The problem is quite simply that my mood is dependent on another being. Now this is perhaps not an uncommon thing; this is the thing of love perhaps, at least a species thereof. But the temporal dimension aforealluded to, and the profound sense that the occasion will never present itself, for it hasn't; other lovers can call on past loves ( obviously first time lovers are here discounted), they know what it's like.
That's it; to requote a quote i don't even like: i want this pain to be purposeful, but have no experience of this pain having ever been purposeful. Ah CUNT, i feel no better.