the first essay i handed in in first year i got 65. This is the lowest i've ever got, but the fact that it was the first essay fairly crushed me. I remember walking a long deserted street listening to the piece by bach that begins with komm eilet und laufet; i think the exact thing i was listening to was the rather sanft Sanft soll mein Todeskummer. I was crushed. I feel my emotions in my stomach; harsh things like that are equivalent to being winded, tho something different. It is not unfair to say that i'm similarly crushed at present. Really, there isn't that much of an objective reason. She dutifully added me, tho without a message. Today we spoke after class, and it was awkward. For reasons i'm not going to get into, she says she's going to stop using facebook for a while: it is conceivable that my request introduced the awkwardness of her having to break that edict to save, so to speak, face. Actually that doesn't work. I asked whether she was going where i was going; she hesitated, and nayed. Two interpretations: she was ambivalent about going, could have gone either way, but didn't; she wasn't ex ante going to go, but considered it owing to my question, but didn't. The latter is obviously the more pleasing to me, but who knows?
There are several things here. One is that, for me, asking simple things is akin to asking big things; if she knows this, then my hand is truly revealed. Of course, on the assumption that she does like me, which is empirically well supported tho nevertheless underdetermined, this won't go amiss. But if she doesn't; well, if she doesn't, then so what? One needs to learn to get rejected eventually; thru avoidance i have lasted a long time. If she doesn't know this, then all is ok. But i don't know the answer. The second thing already alluded to is the fear of rejection and or the deep embarrassment that i feel with regard to everything other related. These aren't completely separate; ultimately i'm embarrassed because I feel that the gauche things i do will be negatively judged, which is surely linked with actual and potential rejections.
Yet another thing i'm learning is that life operates according to a fuzzy logic. Better, life is an indeterministic system. Better, and completely different: life is unpredictable, and it is but seldom that things, at least pertaining to others, pan out as one would have them pan out. For I was buoyed by the joy, last night, that I would receive a charming message from the maedchen; i could visualize it happily; but no. Ultimately time will tell whether this exploit was an utter disaster, or whether again from my position of incomplete knowledge of the workings of her neurons, I am again misinterpreting. But it seems objectively true that the hopes I had pinned on facebook will not pan out, for she won't be on it to interact with.