Profoundly low. Will things get better for me? Bad MC day. I could cry. I am just bad at being social. Fuck. I need help, of some sort. The fucking newly light nights perturb, giving me no place to hide my loneliness. But it's not loneliness per se: it's past and present loneliness, skipping relentless and sore into a pained future, looking back on a pained past. When in school I had what it wouldn't be an overexaggeration to call almost a nervous breakdown, because I was alone. Subsequently, I became an alcoholic and the problem calmed down. Subsequently I became obsessed with studying, and it stayed calmed down. But it has reared its head, as this blog testifies. And i'm in exactly the same situation.
But more concrete. For, as has been more than intimated, i think that the girl indeed likes me. But the last two weeks have been, from my perspective, shit. And indeed if it's only from my perspective, still it's my perspective that is making me miserable. So i need to change my perspective. I need, as it were, to bracket the external world. But that world pulls me back in, and burns. When i'm at home, i'm alone, tho with family. And I seldom get too badly depressed, since distracted. But here....I'm not sleeping, I have no strength. Exactly like what happened previously, in school. I need help.