Is depression occurrent or perdurant? For I fear I am thus. Sleeping ill, full of self-recriminations in a most beastly tone. the cause? well guess! mein beliebtes bleibt von mir entfernt. But the most recriminatory, in this recriminationary time, is that we still don't recriminate. Ok, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But I do need to analyse my pain, that it may be loosened up, like the gut-blocking turd it is ( for as before remarked, my gut is where I feel, and I wake up these mornings damnably anxious). So what to say, what to do? I need to recall that I am me, and am not them, and therefore can't be held accountable to the same standards. This sounds to a certain extent daft, I know. But is at least somewhat true. Also, the most recriminatory is that I feel like MC has been giving me hints which I haven't taken, and the opportunity may have been missed. Because it's only seldom that we see each other. And time is running out. And all my hopes for this year were pinned on her. And the cosmos is empty apart from us. I've been troubled with some self-harming ideation, on which i will never act, but tis still disturbing. I need to regain equilibrium and, to repeat it yet again, learn to be auto kath'hauto before I be pros ti. I need on all hope to strangle it to jump on it and gnaw its neck. If I am lucky....but i am not lucky. Am I predestined always alone to be? That's what it feels like, and that's what attrists. But it may be false. I don't know. Really, simply to be sometimes is truly heroic. What a fucking stupid thing to say.