Ah life, thou spritely little thing. Hope deferred and all that. Well, how are the holidays shaping up for me? Been dentist, been gym, excogitating some innaresting stuff both logic wise and religion wise, but there remains the old problems, that, well, I'm what I am, unpeopled and unserene thereat, and hope does indeed attend me, and let's just hope that hope'll be made real. To look back on a life of unrealized hope! But I shouldn't even think about that shit. I do tend to believe that it is possible to gain what one wants, but when it's, the final frontier, human contact, to misquote the simpsons, well, there my confidence isn't so great, for confidence gaineth support inductively likesay as the bible has it.
And moreover moreover moreover, it's ridiculous, well kind of, that I should blemish my life with complaints thereabouts, to the extent that I get to spend my time doing what I like etc., my family are happy, more or less, or are such that my happiness is a function of theirs, and I am aiming for mine, unlike in time gone by. One can just propel oneself forwards. That's all there is to it.
Anyway, I continue religiousing, tho I fell off the wagon. Been augmenting my biblestew with a bit of bhagavadgita, and some relatively mediocre book on buddhism. I would like, without going nuts about it, to purify myself, sort of like a summer clean, mainly physical, and perhaps attempt to face up to the howling dismal woe that deep down makes me unable to stop for a moment.
Deep, huh? But anyway, we all have our own, I think, HDW, we all feel, or at least many people, alienated from others, driven constantly to distraction ( not what that phrase means I'm sure but who cares)

Well, gloria in excelsis deo; hereby is indicated a problem. I feel uncomfortable, embarrassed even it seems to say, Thanks God in foro externo, by which I mean in public. So why didn't I just say so? For thanking God seems, just, unme. I can do it in private, certainly, but it seems epaischunomai to euangelion, which isn't very good, at least to the imagined secular readership of this blog. Really, thanking God isn't cool. But fuck it like. Thanks, God. And the cause of my thanking is that - shock horror - today I finally went to the dentist, a task I've been putting off and fearing for months and less anxiously years, and things are ok! I need stuff to do, like, but nothing too drastic. Amazingly happy: I was certain that the original sin of my alcoholism was to reverberate throughout my life. That my mouth would be a window to ruined liver, kidneys, teeth. But it doesn't appear so. Now the scoffers would be moderately right to say, well, what's God got to do with the acid content of your mouth? Perhaps nothing, but should it be off hand ruled out? I'll admit it sounds stupid: why would he care about my mouth when all the tragedies etc. But I don't know: one hears oftentimes of new Christians finding things to fall in their lap in a strange way. Perhaps there is no correlation here: only those new Christians who happen to have something good happen mention it, but again, who knows. For with the premise that God exists, nothing except some common sense theology stands in one's way. But the more important point is that my belief that God was there to support me determined by going; my belief in God has kicked into touch the recalcitrant addictions, or at least improved them. We are heading here into pragmatic conception of truth here, and I'm hungry, so we'll stop.

An empty, empty, empty afternoon. My religiosity continues, albeit dubiously. For de omnibus dubitandum and mockedandum and not treatedforultimatelytrueandum, but religion requires that one shake off that postmodern coil n take some things serious. And you know, I'm very just like doubtful about everything, above all the existence of God. It's the same old problem, the eternal problem: do we, qua weak, come to God because we're weak or invent God therebecause? But it's really a function of the fact that i'm getting nothing, spiritually speaking: I feel nothing. Also, i don't give a dutch palm tree for eternal life, nor have I any fears re hell. A theophany would be nice. But for me I think it's a question of having like a personal, divine trainer: I want to have life, and have it to the full, not an eternal facsimile thereof, for let's face it, an eternal life with God is not like any life we know. Moreover, my track record seems to indicate that I can't do so: but is that fair? I made a moderately good effort, detailed in all its painful glory below, and came close. So perhaps my motives are wrong. But then so are alcoholics' etc, they just wanna screw the pooch of booze addiction in their addled pelts likes. Moreover, it says that God won't turn anyone away. I.e., if God exists, then he won't turn anyone away. I don't see to have been turned unaway, ergo God doesn't exist? Perhaps patience and, as Husserl would put it, an empty intending, awaiting fulfilment patiently. I've nothing else to do the summer anyway, and the change to flex my self-control muscle isn't to be sniffed at. But these are probably not the avenues of thought to be traversing, on account of the pascalinity.

Well, let's see. Back at home for c. a month, in peace. Several straggling addictions have been, it appears, curbed. And by what? Well, it seems, by God. Of course perhaps not: perhaps by me. Been reading and thinking through various matters religious. The problem of sin is still the problem that I have: I wrong you, and yet am forgiven not by making amends to you, but my being forgiven my God. An Aristotelian conception of sin: no relations, just properties of my. Now one interpretation is that it's both. That by wronging someone one qualifies them and oneself. One can then remove one's qualify but not the other's. It just seems unfair, does it not? That one can be a dick, hurt someone deeply, and then be forgiven, while the other continues to suffer. Exactly, unfair. But, does not the justice system operate according to the same presumption? Are we not looking, in this idea of punishment, precisely an eye for an eye? There are two different issues here: it's unfair because the wrongdoer isn't punished, it's unfair because the wrongdoee isn't comforted ( or better phrase). So, the ideal situation would be: I repent, then God rewards the other, sort of a psychical settlement. Why does this not occur? Ultimately we're back, it seems, to theodicy. Precisely to dice, dike. But we should disentangle the two ideas of punishment and settlement.

My 90th post, and the last for a while probably. It is now completed. Incredibly painful. I don't really want to rake over things, but I will. Many deeply sleepless nights: a real rapprochement this, last, week. Last night we had tea. I thought we had got somewhere. I planned, hoped, that this evening we would do something. At dinner she was distant; something had happened. The question that will torment me: was it that I didn't express something at tea, or was it that she saw something at tea that she didn't like? I can't go on. But I will.

I think we are at the stage when finally all hope is extinguished for this year; and I feel fine. It is sad, that it is very conceivable, if not certain, that we mutually like one another, and that I could, at close of play, have been pulled out of the circle of the self. But one must attempt to distance oneself from one's pathemata, and concentrate specifically at this time on one's mathemata, or whatever the greek for things-to-be-learnt would be, and more generally on to kalon in one's life. Indeed, I think it's almost without self-deception that I now accept my fate, and that i'm not perpretrating that old fallacious trick of willing myself not to will because the non-willed happens. It's been, tho painful, often a more pleasant year than before. I have tried, and tho materially failed, I came, I think, pretty close. I've learnt things - unfortunately not how to interact with strangers, which is after all important. But I have made at least a good friend in her. The plan for the summer is to sort things out and continue to read ta biblia. But it's confusing. There are many things in there that just seem unpleasant. The idea of the etymological paraclete well comforts, but all the klauthmos kai brugmos ton odonton doesn't sit well. Also, the fact that I seem to be practicing, if that is not too strong a word for what I am doing, a very recreational christianity doesn't seem quite right. Of course, many people do, but many people are idiots. It seems to do it, it is something one must do entirely w heart + mouth + deed + life: it is not just some analgesic, or shouldn't be. But then: it is not for all to go nuts, really, is it, for in that case priests et al. would be the only religious people. And indeed, it seems some people would trim down the message to two words: Have faith, and that this is sufficient and necessary to be a christian. The problem is one just doesn't know: things conflict. What if having faith were only necessary: i assume no-one will deny this. Ultimately perhaps we need help from experience. To the extent that faith is necessary, abide in faith for a bit and see if one is enlightened. Say one's prayers; act decent towards others; be thankful in good and comforted in bad times. See where it heads. Yes. Allora, I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank God for my present peace and situation.

Ah life, the pain it holds itself quieter again. I just don't know! Whether the frau likes me or not. I just don't know. I think it is very plausible: should I make yet another push for it? No: the stress it caused me last time was very nearly seriously ruinous to my health. I do, however, I think, really like her; it's not just that she's a her. But time is so short; there isn't any. I guess the thing is just to continue, vaguely hope, and just spend time with her when I can. Just hope. With regards to my religiosity, its presence in my head seems to be a function of my misery; or my happiness. I give thanks, and seek consolation. I don't constantly think on it; I really don't know if one is supposed to. Do I believe? Is - to ponderously go over what has already been ponderously pondered - it just out of desperation that I turn there? No, maybe not. In fact, even if today - and thanks, one really must say thanks and why not to God, for for so many people every day is misery, and one day is not a negligible portion of life - I am at an even level, moodwise, there will come time when I won't be. But,,, what is the meaning of religion? A comforter? What does one, qua religious person, do? I don't know; I guess I can do what I can do, give thanks and seek comfort, comfort and thanks, thanks and comfort.
I guess, if I wanted to, an awkward question I could ask myself would be her or God. And I guess if I were truly serious, the answer would be God, but I guess it isn't. But this isn't my fault.
You know, I believed that prayer was unnecessary, because God can discern the raw thinks even if not conceptualized in words: but for us, for whom expression in words often leads to new revelations about what we think, this is not the case. Oculi omnium in te sperant, domine.